


Do I Have To Say The Words

by Emmalyne_Amell



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Declaration of Love, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 04:32:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8190203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emmalyne_Amell/pseuds/Emmalyne_Amell
Summary: Commander Shepard has lost all hope, even in herself.  Can her closest friend, Kaidan Alenko, help her to see just how important she really is?  Not only to him, but to the entire galaxy?





	

**Author's Note:**

> In my first playthrough, I waited until ME 3 to romance Kaidan (I prefer a slow burn). I was left totally unsatisfied by the scene in the cafe when Kaidan admits his feelings to Shepard for the first time, so I decided to reimagine the moment in my own way. The scene takes place during the events of Mass Effect 3. I do not own Mass Effect or any of its characters. Hope you enjoy!

_ "I'm significant," said the dust speck. _

Shepard couldn't remember where she'd heard the line before, but it seemed to fit as she stared out into the void of space. 

She was alone in the Starboard Observation deck, but even in the silence Shepard could not quiet her erratic thoughts.Through the wide-paned window, distant stars and planets twinkled against a black sky- many of which were counting on her.Perhaps all of them.And somewhere else, unseen, the Reapers were decimating everything in their path. 

Earth: taken.Thessia: gone.Most likely Palaven would fall next.The entire galaxy was looking to Shepard, pleading with her to stop it, to end a cycle of destruction that had gone on for thousands, perhaps even millions, of years. 

What the hell was she supposed to do?

She was only one woman.A soldier.She was not a god, and a task this huge seemed impossible for any mere mortal to accomplish.Once, maybe, Shepard believed she was the right one for the job.But now, she was beginning to realize a frightening truth... it was not her skills as a warrior, nor her strong will that had brought her thus far. 

_ It was dumb fucking luck.Pure and simple.  _

It had begun on Eden Prime, all those years ago, with the beacon.It was luck that made her shove Kaidan out of the way just in time, luck that the Prothean's message had transferred to her, not him.It was fortunate that she even lived through the ordeal, at least according to Liara T'Soni at the time. 

But it seemed her luck had run out.She had made too many mistakes, had failed too many times, seen too many people die.Kai Leng had bested her on Thessia, goddamn him, how was it that he and Cerberus were always two steps ahead of her?Now the Asari home world, the pinnacle of strength and endurance in the galaxy, was lost to the Reapers.And it was Shepard's fault.She didn't know how she could ever look Liara in the eye again without feeling overcome with guilt. 

_ I can't do this anymore.  _

The thought reverberated through her, echoing like a broken record, and Shepard had never felt more frightened and alone.Like the line said, she was just an insignificant speck in the grand design.  What could she possibly do amidst all this madness, all this... death?How could she ever have thought she would make a difference, how could anyone have viewed her as a hero? 

_ I'm no hero.I'm a fraud.I can't go on pretending to be something I'm not.  _

So what now?Shepard had never once in her Alliance career considered stepping down, resigning from her post as Commander.But now, she had to admit, the idea was becoming more and more appealing.Maybe she could get a desk job, like Anderson, or what if she retired from the Alliance completely?Would she be able to live life as a civilian?But then, what would be the point, when the Reapers were on the brink of ending all civilization?

_ You would be branded a coward. _

_So what?_ _Maybe I am a coward.Maybe I'm done being brave, playing the hero.Maybe it's time to step down and let someone else have a turn._

_ But if not you, then who?  _

"Shepard?" 

A tentative voice called from behind her, and she slowly turned.Kaidan was standing near the Observation entrance, very still, as though afraid to approach.He'd beenwatching her, but who knew for how long?Shepard suddenly realized to her chagrin that she had been crying, and she quickly wiped a tear from her cheek and turned away from Kaidan's gaze. 

There was a long silence, as Shepard tried to think of what to say.She thought about telling him to get the hell out, couldn't he see she needed some privacy?Or maybe laugh it off, insist she was fine, just a brief moment of weakness, she was all better now.But she said nothing.While a part of her wished Kaidan would leave her to her humiliation, another part wanted him to stay.Why, and what for, she couldn't say. 

The silence seemed eternal, neither of them speaking, but after a moment Shepard heard his footsteps as Kaidan moved to stand beside her, following her gaze out the window. 

"It's kinda scary, isn't it?" Kaidan mused aloud."I mean, beautiful, sure, but... if you stare at it long enough, it almost feels like you could fall into it.Like a bottomless pit.You'd just be falling forever." 

Shepard's response was a curt nod that she knew he couldn't see.The truth was, she was afraid that if she spoke, her voice would waver, and she would erupt with tears again. 

Kaidan's description, without him knowing it, was disturbingly accurate to Shepard's emotional state.She was, almost literally, drifting through space, helpless and alone. 

"You know you can talk to me, Shepard." 

Kaidan's voice was soft, reassuring, and far too gentle.It made Shepard feel delicate, as though he thought she might break, and she hated it.She hated feeling fragile, weak.She swallowed hard, and forced her voice to work, to resemble something strong and fearless. 

"I'm fine, Major." 

Kaidan made a sound, a noise between a scoff and a snort, bordering on anger."'Major?'Is that right?So I'm just a colleague to you, a fellow officer?I thought we were friends, at the very least." 

Shepard winced at his tone.She hadn't meant to offend him, only to assure him.She sighed, softening her stony exterior."Of course we're friends.I'm sorry, Kaidan.I'm just... distracted."

Kaidan softened as well, as he turned his head to look at her."I'd say 'distracted' is an understatement.You're only human, Shepard.It's okay to feel... overwhelmed." 

Shepard shook her head defiantly."I can't afford to feel 'overwhelmed.'I'm supposed to have all the answers.If I don't, then what?What happens to the Reapers?To us?To everyone?"

Shepard's voice pitched higher, her mask of stoicism slipping gradually.She finally met his gaze, afraid of what she'd see.Sympathy?Or worse, pity?

But Kaidan's brow and mouth were a straight line, his face exuding confidence, even defiance.He turned his body to face her fully, looking deeply into her eyes. 

"You are not God, Jane.You can't have all the answers- no one can.I doubt even the Reapers know the motive behind their actions.None of this makes sense, it would be pointless to try and _make_ any sense of it.All we can do is fight it.You said it yourself- we have to survive, no matter what.It's what you've been working for, what we've all been working for, since this whole mess started." 

Shepard pursed her lips, fighting back more tears.But she couldn't hide the breaking of her voice as she spoke."I'm _tired_ of fighting, Kaidan.I'm so tired.I just want this all to end.Even if it means we lose.Don't you see?I can't win this!Everything I do, no matter how hard I try... it's all for nothing.I can't..." 

She choked back her sobs, covering her mouth with one hand, and wrapping her other arm around herself.Goddammit, she hated herself in this moment!She was losing it, breaking down in front of Kaidan, the one person she didn't want to see her this way.Never like this, this shell of a person who once resembled something like Commander Jane Shepard, Council Spectre.A damned hero. 

_ A damned imposter.  _

Shepard was jolted out of her misery when Kaidan grabbed both of her upper arms and forced her to face him.She looked up at him, shocked by the determination on his face, the intensity of his bright brown eyes.He was so close she could smell his aftershave, a not unpleasant scent, and the sudden impulse to breathe him in deeply nearly overtook her.Her heart slammed in her chest, so hard that she wondered if he could feel it. 

"Don't you know who you are?" Kaidan said, his words resembling a feral growl.His face was dangerously close to hers."Don't you remember all you've done? _You_ beat Saren! _You_ stopped the Collectors!You are _Jane Fucking Shepard_ _!_ You've saved countless lives, including mine.If it weren't for you, I'd have been dead back on Mars, on Eden Prime.Don't you _dare_ say it doesn't matter, that nothing you've done has changed anything. _Don't you dare!"  
_

Shepard could only stare back at him helplessly, frozen in shock.She tried to speak, but as her lips parted, nothing came out. 

And then Kaidan kissed her. 

First kisses were usually awkward, in Shepard's experience.There was always a shyness, an uncertainty on the part of both parties.Figuring out how their lips should go together, whether mouths should be open or closed, tongue or no tongue.With some practice, the kisses would improve, might even become wonderful.But the first kiss was always, always strange and awkward. 

This kiss was neither of those things. 

It was like... coming home.A home you never knew existed until you got there.Kaidan's lips felt so right, so familiar, as though they'd done this a hundred times before.Yet Shepard had never felt anything like this before- the feel of his mouth on hers, commanding yet seductive; the taste of his lips and tongue, warm and sweet and soft.They seemed to fit together so perfectly, as though they were two pieces once broken and now were finally one. 

Kaidan's arms had wrapped around Shepard's waist, holding her close to him, and her hands had found the back of his neck, fingers raking through his black hair.Their lips only pulled apart finally when they were both gasping for air, and still their hold on each other was firm, as though they were afraid the other might fall. 

"Jane," Kaidan breathed, his breath warm against her forehead.She was still trying to catch her own, as her hands slid from behind his neck to rest on his face, her thumbs gently stroking his cheeks.She looked up, staring into his eyes, searching for the answer to an unasked question. 

"I love you, Shepard," Kaidan said."I always have.I'm sorry it took me so long to say it." 

Shepard let his words sink in slowly.She'd always known, in a way.At least a part of her did.Since the day they'd met, she'd watched him evolve from a young, slightly naive soldier, to the strongest, most capable man she'd ever met.It was Kaidan's strength that had seen her through all this time.His faith in her.His love. 

And her love for him, as well, she realized. 

"I love you, too," Jane whispered, a smile curving her lips.Shyly, she lowered her head to rest against his chest, closing her eyes and breathing in deeply.Her smile grew at the feel of Kaidan burying his nose in her hair, his arms holding her close as he gently stroked her back with his fingertips. 

The heavy weight of the world seemed to lift from Shepard's shoulders, as she snuggled further into Kaidan's embrace.If only they could stay like this forever.Though she knew this moment wouldn't last, Shepard swore to enjoy it for as long as she could.In the days to come, whatever trials they faced, she would remember this moment, recall it to memory whenever the odds seemed impossible. 

And however impossible those odds might be, Shepard knew that they would face them together. 


End file.
